Weekend Funnies

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget.

*****

A little boy is walking down the country road one day when he comes across a man who has a truck load of cow manure.

The boy asks him what he’s going to do with all that cow poop.

The man says, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”

The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”

*****

A man was sitting at a bar one day when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a wooden leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.

Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here, my friend. You look as though you’ve had a tough life and I’d like to buy you a drink.”

The pirate gladly went over to the man who ordered him a rum.

Then the man asked the pirate, “I’m curious, how did you lose your leg?”

“Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.”

“Wow, that’s awful!” said the man. “And tell me, how did you lose your hand?”

“Arrrgh!” replied the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals on a treasure island.”

“Oh my word!” the man said, “How awful! And tell me, how did you lose your eye?”

The pirate said, “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!”

“A seagull!” The man was surprised. He asked, “Is seagull poop dangerous?!”

The pirate said, “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook.”

*****

People say love is the best feeling ever.

But I think finding a toilet when you’re having diarrhea is better.

*****

I went into a public toilet for a poop the other day. I’d just sat down when I heard a voice from the next cubicle say, “Hi, how are you?”

I was a little embarrassed but I replied, “I’m fine thanks.”

Then the voice asked, “So what are you up to?”

I replied, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here.”

Then the voice asked, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, “Actually, I’m a little busy right now.”

The voice then said, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door who keeps answering all my questions.”

A First for ME

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Well, you have to believe me when I say that is actually me out there you see in the water. What am I doing? Well, my second son bought a KAYAK, with all of the gear. He insisted that I try it out! I could not leave until I did! I have to admit, I was a bit on the hesitant side. I would have rather had on my bathing suit instead of my new clothes I just got! I could see that my son REALLY wanted to see what would happen, so I did it! I am now hooked. I adjusted quickly to the balance issue. I got accustomed to getting wet! I sat in a puddle of water the whole time, put my pants finally dried! Once I got into the groove of kayaking, I did not want to stop! So, I guess I did learn that YOU CAN teach an old dog new tricks! lol Have fun!

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

Weekend fun………

Some ministers were talking about death and dying over coffee at the local cafe. “What would you want people to say about you at your funeral?” one of them asked.

“I’d want people to say, ‘He was a great and compassionate humanitarian who cared about those in need,” responded a recently retired minister.

“I’d like for people to say, ‘He was a good father and husband, a man whose life was a fine example for others to follow,” intoned another.

“Oh, I’d like for people to remember me for my fine sermons and church growth,” said the newest member of the group.

A grizzled old farmer leaned over from the next table and said, “That’s all well and good, fellas, but I’d rather hear ‘em say ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

Just talking…..

I am just being lazy today. I am exhausted from all of the activities of Thanksgiving. I was not even going to attempt shopping today. Did you?

I am just going to wait this year with gift buying. I have a few ideas, but I am not ready to take the leap. There are so many stores out there with deals, I am sure I will have no problem if I wait. What are you planning to do about shopping for gifts?

I really like to get into the spirit of this time of year. To me, it is a magical time. I wish it stayed the same way all year long, don’t you?

I am blessed to be in good health. I am blessed to have my family at home. I am blessed in many ways that I do not take for granted. Do you feel you need more blessings or do you have enough?

I will be stopping in every now and then. I am sure I will smile when I visit your blogs. Have fun with blogging. Have fun with life. It is meant to be lived.

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

I’m retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????

Have a fun week! Be sure to laugh and smile often.

Luisa Doraz

More laughs for you……

 Sticks & stones may break my bones, BUT chains & whips excite me!

 Autocorrect can kiss my ask..!!

 My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

 The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.

 If you blink your eyes really fast, it looks like there are strobe lights in the room. I have been having random parties throughout the day!

 I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m n the kitchen, want a sandwich?”

. When butterflies are in love, do they feel human’s in their stomach?

Still laughing?

Have a great weekend.

I am heading for the mountains.

See you soon.

PG-13 CARTOONS…Men vs Women…LAUGH with DORAZ*…week 8

Take a look at these cartoons my friend Pam S. sent me. I have seen some before, but they still make me smile. Hope you have fun with them.

FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT*…week 7

This is really cool! And yes, I got up off my chair to try it! It’s freaky!

This is the craziest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
For those of you in the 21st century (e.g. Blackberry
Owners), you’ll need to look at this on a PC. You also
have to get out of your seat and walk away from
your computer. People may think you’re crazy. But it’s well worth it.

When you look at this picture you see it’s Albert Einstein.

But if you stand 15 feet away it will become Marilyn Monroe.
Now what do you think of the reliability of eyewitness testimony?

~~~~~~~~~~

See if you all can figure this one out.

CLICK-Grandma’s House…Home Day Care

As I Mature…LAUGH with DORAZ*…CARTOON

Pass this around. My friend Pam S. sent it to me. I thought it was a cute cartoon to share with you all. Hope you like it. Have a fantastic time doing whatever you will be doing.

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

LAUGH with DORAZ… SILLY CARTOON…Casual Friday*