Weekend Funnies

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget.

*****

A little boy is walking down the country road one day when he comes across a man who has a truck load of cow manure.

The boy asks him what he’s going to do with all that cow poop.

The man says, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”

The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”

*****

A man was sitting at a bar one day when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a wooden leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.

Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here, my friend. You look as though you’ve had a tough life and I’d like to buy you a drink.”

The pirate gladly went over to the man who ordered him a rum.

Then the man asked the pirate, “I’m curious, how did you lose your leg?”

“Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.”

“Wow, that’s awful!” said the man. “And tell me, how did you lose your hand?”

“Arrrgh!” replied the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals on a treasure island.”

“Oh my word!” the man said, “How awful! And tell me, how did you lose your eye?”

The pirate said, “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!”

“A seagull!” The man was surprised. He asked, “Is seagull poop dangerous?!”

The pirate said, “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook.”

*****

People say love is the best feeling ever.

But I think finding a toilet when you’re having diarrhea is better.

*****

I went into a public toilet for a poop the other day. I’d just sat down when I heard a voice from the next cubicle say, “Hi, how are you?”

I was a little embarrassed but I replied, “I’m fine thanks.”

Then the voice asked, “So what are you up to?”

I replied, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here.”

Then the voice asked, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, “Actually, I’m a little busy right now.”

The voice then said, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door who keeps answering all my questions.”

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Peaceful SMILES

 

MY WISH IS THAT YOU ALWAYS SEE THE SMILES IN THE EYES OF THE PEOPLE YOU MEET, NOT THE HATRED.

MY WISH IS THAT YOU ACCEPT THOSE PEOPLE FOR WHOM THEY ARE, NOT FOR WHOM YOU WANT THEM TO BE.

MY WISH IS THAT YOU EMPATHIZE WITH WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH IN LIFE, AND OFFER YOUR COMPASSION TO EASE THE PAIN.

PLEASE HELP MY WISH TO BE SOMETHING I WILL SEE WITH MY EYES WHEN I LOOK IN MY SURROUNDINGS.

PLEASE DO NOT LET IT CONTINUE TO BE THE NIGHTMARES THAT  ONLY EXPRESS  ONES HATRED.

MAY YOU ALL HAVE MANY PEACEFUL SMILES…ALWAYS.

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

Happy Turkey Day or is it FISH Day for you?

 

Please pass the fish.”

“The fish, you say?”

“Isn’t it suppose to be Turkey Day?”

“No, today is a day where we all gather round.

and show thanks for whatever kind of good food is going to be found.”

“Oh, I see. It is all about THANKS”

May you all enjoy the love and warmth found with your family and friends. May you all have big SMILES with all of the crazy times that WILL happen! lol Take lots of photos! Eat lots of food. Take a nap! lol

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

 

 

Mother Teresa Quotes About the Importance of SMILING*

 

Peace begins with a smile..”

“Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”

“The person who gives with a smile is the best giver because God loves a cheerful giver.”

“Let us make one point, that we meet each other with a smile, when it is difficult to smile. Smile at each other, make time for each other in your family.”

“Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.”

“Smile at each other. Smile at your wife, smile at your husband, smile at your children, smile at each other- it doesn’t matter who it is- and that will help to grow up in greater love for each other.”

Believe in Yourself

There are many things in this life that can upset you. There are also many things in this life that can make you smile. Do your best to feel blessed with all you have. Do your best to make your life the way you want it. Do your best to realize that things should not be taken for granted. Reach out. There are those who will ignore you. There are many who will embrace you. Hold on to your faith and your hopes.

Believe in Yourself;
Luisa Doraz

Wanna Laugh with me?

“Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said: “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family”. “Very good” said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, “How did you do that?” The bat replies ” Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children”. “Impressive” said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. “How on earth did you do that????” he asked. And the bat replies. “Do you see this tower?” Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says “Well, I didn’t”.”

You smiling???

PS…..I did not add these links.

Weekend humor…be sure to smile……..

An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he’d been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. “How do you like this place?” she asked him. “It’s not bad,” he replied, “except they won’t let me fart.”

****

A man goes up to heaven and says, “Hey, God. What’s a million years like for you?” And God says, “Oh, you know, like maybe a second.” So the man says, “Oh, wow. Well, then, how about this: What’s a million dollars worth to you?” And God says, “Oh, like, you know, about a penny.” So the man says, “Oh, wow. Well, in that case, can I have a million dollars?” And God says, “Sure, in a second.”

****

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, God! Help me!”

As the atheist spun helplessly through the air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me?”

“Give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!”