Smiles are contagious

I have been really busy writing away as a Master Editor for my friends at Everipedia.com. Have you created your page yet? What are you waiting for? Come on over! If you want a page, just ask! 🙂

Believe in Yourself;
Luisa Doraz

Weekend Funnies

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget.

*****

A little boy is walking down the country road one day when he comes across a man who has a truck load of cow manure.

The boy asks him what he’s going to do with all that cow poop.

The man says, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”

The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”

*****

A man was sitting at a bar one day when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a wooden leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.

Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here, my friend. You look as though you’ve had a tough life and I’d like to buy you a drink.”

The pirate gladly went over to the man who ordered him a rum.

Then the man asked the pirate, “I’m curious, how did you lose your leg?”

“Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.”

“Wow, that’s awful!” said the man. “And tell me, how did you lose your hand?”

“Arrrgh!” replied the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals on a treasure island.”

“Oh my word!” the man said, “How awful! And tell me, how did you lose your eye?”

The pirate said, “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!”

“A seagull!” The man was surprised. He asked, “Is seagull poop dangerous?!”

The pirate said, “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook.”

*****

People say love is the best feeling ever.

But I think finding a toilet when you’re having diarrhea is better.

*****

I went into a public toilet for a poop the other day. I’d just sat down when I heard a voice from the next cubicle say, “Hi, how are you?”

I was a little embarrassed but I replied, “I’m fine thanks.”

Then the voice asked, “So what are you up to?”

I replied, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here.”

Then the voice asked, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, “Actually, I’m a little busy right now.”

The voice then said, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door who keeps answering all my questions.”

JOKE OF THE DAY*

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?” In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

A Woman’s Fairy Tale

I had to share this that a friend spent to me…too funny!

 

Once upon a time,

in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap
and said:
” Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night,
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:

I don’t think so honey!

A First for ME

k2

k3>

Well, you have to believe me when I say that is actually me out there you see in the water. What am I doing? Well, my second son bought a KAYAK, with all of the gear. He insisted that I try it out! I could not leave until I did! I have to admit, I was a bit on the hesitant side. I would have rather had on my bathing suit instead of my new clothes I just got! I could see that my son REALLY wanted to see what would happen, so I did it! I am now hooked. I adjusted quickly to the balance issue. I got accustomed to getting wet! I sat in a puddle of water the whole time, put my pants finally dried! Once I got into the groove of kayaking, I did not want to stop! So, I guess I did learn that YOU CAN teach an old dog new tricks! lol Have fun!

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

Weekend fun………

Some ministers were talking about death and dying over coffee at the local cafe. “What would you want people to say about you at your funeral?” one of them asked.

“I’d want people to say, ‘He was a great and compassionate humanitarian who cared about those in need,” responded a recently retired minister.

“I’d like for people to say, ‘He was a good father and husband, a man whose life was a fine example for others to follow,” intoned another.

“Oh, I’d like for people to remember me for my fine sermons and church growth,” said the newest member of the group.

A grizzled old farmer leaned over from the next table and said, “That’s all well and good, fellas, but I’d rather hear ‘em say ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

I’m retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????

Have a fun week! Be sure to laugh and smile often.

Luisa Doraz

Hello Friends. Hope You’re Feeling Good!….cute image*

 

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.””Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

*****

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

*****

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Have fun~

Birthday Fun……

Yes, that is me. My friends Fran and Jennifer surprised me with this outfit. Too cool. I kept it on at the restaurant and had no problem showing it off to the others. lol I had such a great time.We spent the whole time laughing and sharing stories. We had such delicious meals. Afterwards, we went shopping! Yes, we bought shoes! lol I just love my friends. I love the greatest gift of all…the gift of time. So precious. So wonderful. Hope you all have a great time this weekend. My hubby and I are going on a quick trip. Stay well and happy.

Celebrating a birthday…my way*

Well, tomorrow is my birthday. September 5th is my special day. I sometimes think I should just skip my birthday, but then I am reminded by family and friends that it is a special day. The day I was introduced to this crazy world of ours. lol I guess I should be happy that others want to share my happiness, right? Well, my family and friends have NO problem with making me feel special. They take me out to eat. They get me so many delicious desserts. They buy me such cute girts. I am honestly touched by all the fuss. I feel so fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life. I treasure the times I spend with them all. Memories are in my heart. I hold on to them and they help me smile when I am in one of those moods. So, I want to say THANK YOU to all of you out there who are making my birthday an extra special day. I understand everyone is busy with things in their lives, so I really so appreciate it. Hope you all have a wonderful life. Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay in touch. Smile often. Love you all!

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz