Weekend Funnies

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget.

*****

A little boy is walking down the country road one day when he comes across a man who has a truck load of cow manure.

The boy asks him what he’s going to do with all that cow poop.

The man says, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”

The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”

*****

A man was sitting at a bar one day when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a wooden leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.

Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here, my friend. You look as though you’ve had a tough life and I’d like to buy you a drink.”

The pirate gladly went over to the man who ordered him a rum.

Then the man asked the pirate, “I’m curious, how did you lose your leg?”

“Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.”

“Wow, that’s awful!” said the man. “And tell me, how did you lose your hand?”

“Arrrgh!” replied the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals on a treasure island.”

“Oh my word!” the man said, “How awful! And tell me, how did you lose your eye?”

The pirate said, “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!”

“A seagull!” The man was surprised. He asked, “Is seagull poop dangerous?!”

The pirate said, “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook.”

*****

People say love is the best feeling ever.

But I think finding a toilet when you’re having diarrhea is better.

*****

I went into a public toilet for a poop the other day. I’d just sat down when I heard a voice from the next cubicle say, “Hi, how are you?”

I was a little embarrassed but I replied, “I’m fine thanks.”

Then the voice asked, “So what are you up to?”

I replied, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here.”

Then the voice asked, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, “Actually, I’m a little busy right now.”

The voice then said, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door who keeps answering all my questions.”

A First for ME

k2

k3>

Well, you have to believe me when I say that is actually me out there you see in the water. What am I doing? Well, my second son bought a KAYAK, with all of the gear. He insisted that I try it out! I could not leave until I did! I have to admit, I was a bit on the hesitant side. I would have rather had on my bathing suit instead of my new clothes I just got! I could see that my son REALLY wanted to see what would happen, so I did it! I am now hooked. I adjusted quickly to the balance issue. I got accustomed to getting wet! I sat in a puddle of water the whole time, put my pants finally dried! Once I got into the groove of kayaking, I did not want to stop! So, I guess I did learn that YOU CAN teach an old dog new tricks! lol Have fun!

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

I’m retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????

Have a fun week! Be sure to laugh and smile often.

Luisa Doraz

Hello Friends. Hope You’re Feeling Good!….cute image*

 

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.””Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

*****

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

*****

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Have fun~

Celebrating a birthday…my way*

Well, tomorrow is my birthday. September 5th is my special day. I sometimes think I should just skip my birthday, but then I am reminded by family and friends that it is a special day. The day I was introduced to this crazy world of ours. lol I guess I should be happy that others want to share my happiness, right? Well, my family and friends have NO problem with making me feel special. They take me out to eat. They get me so many delicious desserts. They buy me such cute girts. I am honestly touched by all the fuss. I feel so fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life. I treasure the times I spend with them all. Memories are in my heart. I hold on to them and they help me smile when I am in one of those moods. So, I want to say THANK YOU to all of you out there who are making my birthday an extra special day. I understand everyone is busy with things in their lives, so I really so appreciate it. Hope you all have a wonderful life. Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay in touch. Smile often. Love you all!

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

More laughs for you……

 Sticks & stones may break my bones, BUT chains & whips excite me!

 Autocorrect can kiss my ask..!!

 My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

 The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.

 If you blink your eyes really fast, it looks like there are strobe lights in the room. I have been having random parties throughout the day!

 I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m n the kitchen, want a sandwich?”

. When butterflies are in love, do they feel human’s in their stomach?

Still laughing?

Have a great weekend.

I am heading for the mountains.

See you soon.

Memories in the sun*

How did I ever miss it?

How could it be ignored?

Loud and inviting at the same time.

Offering many silly or quiet moments.

Take a look.

Embrace the madness.

Sometimes angry and making a point.

Other times timid and wanting your challenges.

The beach is all around you, if you live near by.

Do you take it for granted each day you drive by it?

Do you just assume that it will always be there for you?

Why not take some time to introduce yourself.

You will be amazed at all the smiles.

You will welcome the waves.

You will feel the coldness of the ocean on you.

What fun.

What a miracle.

It all awaits you.

Why do you hesitate?

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

PRINCESS AND A FROG….yum yum JOKE*

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess lap and said “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, the princess had frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce in her dinner.

HAVE FUN…

LAUGH…

SMILE…

CAUTION…Be Careful who you VOTE for…JOKE*

While walking down the street one day a “Member of Parliament” is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises….

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday, we were campaigning.. …
Today, you voted.”

Have a fun week.

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

Importance of Communication Clarity …….JOKE

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well,.. Vicki is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Vicki surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Vicki.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you  yesterday…’

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Passed on to me by my friend Pam S.

Thanks for the laughs Pam.