Weekend fun………

Some ministers were talking about death and dying over coffee at the local cafe. “What would you want people to say about you at your funeral?” one of them asked.

“I’d want people to say, ‘He was a great and compassionate humanitarian who cared about those in need,” responded a recently retired minister.

“I’d like for people to say, ‘He was a good father and husband, a man whose life was a fine example for others to follow,” intoned another.

“Oh, I’d like for people to remember me for my fine sermons and church growth,” said the newest member of the group.

A grizzled old farmer leaned over from the next table and said, “That’s all well and good, fellas, but I’d rather hear ‘em say ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

I’m retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????

Have a fun week! Be sure to laugh and smile often.

Luisa Doraz

PG-13 CARTOONS…Men vs Women…LAUGH with DORAZ*…week 8

Take a look at these cartoons my friend Pam S. sent me. I have seen some before, but they still make me smile. Hope you have fun with them.

Universal Truths…LAUGH with DORAZ*

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
younger.

3. There is great need for a sarcasm font

4. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

7. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

8. Bad decisions make good stories.

9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

10. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don’t want to have to restart my collection..again.

11. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn
it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay

13. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

17. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod
and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent someone from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers
and sisters

19. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every
year?

20. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first
time, every time!

CONTRIBUTED by:KRISTI KEYPERS

EYE TEST….LAUGH with DORAZ*

Ahhh . . . so THAT’s the problem!!!

It took me a while to figure this one out! After I did, I could not stop laughing! Have Fun!

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the
corner of your eyes. Keep pulling until your eyes are almost closed…It works.

Too FUNNY not to pass on!

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HOW IS YOUR VISION THESE DAYS?
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CONTRIBUTED by:KRISTI KEYPERS

Girl power…..LAUGH with DORAZ*

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip – shopping, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary’s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn’t going.

Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

“Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who’?”

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, “Now, you can do whatever you want.”

So here I am.

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HOW OFTEN DO YOU ALLOW YOURSELF A SPECIAL GIFT?
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Thanks to KRISTI KEYPERS

BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR…LAUGH with DORAZ*

This is too funny!! Who the heck had that much time on their hands to figure how to do this? …..from KRISTI KEYPERS

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WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY BAR?
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MOTHER-IN-LAW….LAUGH with DORAZ*

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. “How’d you get down here so fast?” he asked. “We were just making love!” “Oh my God,” his wife gasped, “That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while.” Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?” The mother-in-law huffed, “I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn’t about to start now!”

Wishes…LAUGH with DORAZ*

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

< The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari.”

POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Little Johnny… LAUGH with DORAZ*

The preschool teacher says, “We’re going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, “Me me me!”

The teacher says, “Go ahead, what’s the sentence?

Mary replies, “The sky is definitely blue.”

“That’s good, Mary,” says the teacher, “but the sky can also be gray or white.”

Sam raises his hand and states, “Grass is definitely green.”

The teacher says, “That’s good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too.”

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Do farts have lumps in them?”

The teacher says, “No Johnny, why do you ask that?”

Little Johnny replies, “Well, I definitely sh*t my pants.”