The chauffeur….LAUGH with DORAZ*

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, “I’ve sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.”

The professor said “I’ll bet you can’t. Just to prove it, we’ll trade clothes in the hotel, and I’ll sit in the back.”

The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver’s presentation.

The driver said, “I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.”

A PRE-SCHOOL TEST for you……*

I already knew I was dumber than the fifth graders, now it’s the preschoolers turn!!??
A PRE-SCHOOL TEST :

Which way is the bus below traveling?
To the left or to the right?

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Can’t make up your mind?
Look carefully at the picture again.

Still don’t know?
\/

\/

\/

\/

\/
Pre-schoolers were shown this picture and asked the same question.
90% of the pre-schooler’s gave this answer.
‘The bus is traveling to the left.’

When asked, ‘Why to the left?’

They answered:
‘Because you can’t see the door to get on the bus.’

How do you feel now ???
I know, me too.
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Thanks Kristi….

Just Thought I’d Ask You This Question…5/21*

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

How do you feel about kids who finish high school early? (I am referring to the kids who are academically advanced over their peers.)

Word of the Day…5/6*

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

I am one of those people who gets annoyed at others that make statements like, “Quit acting so retarded!”
I feel that we all can be educated in using ” more appropriate” words. We all get in the habit of saying these things, not meaning anything bad about it, but it is just not right for those who are handicapped. So let me see what word we can use instead. How about; “Quit acting so sappy!”

sap·py (sp)…..
adjective…….
Slang…… Excessively sentimental
Slang …….Silly or foolish.

Word of the Day…..5/5*

Main Entry:

Everywhere I went today, I heard people ranting about how “PISSED OFF” they were! I thought maybe they could try a different word?

PISSED OFF
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: angry
Synonyms:AFFRONTED

“I was so affronted by her behavior, I screamed!”

vs
“I was so pissed off by her behavior, I screamed!”

You pick!

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Body Statistics……really funny stuff…….come see….-)*

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy measuring their thumbs.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

BACK TO SCHOOL JOKES*

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

THE PROFESSOR SAYS…
When professors say this . . .They really mean this!

* This needs some minor revision. – I never actually got around to reading this.

* My office hours are by appointment only. – I like to get out of here early.

* Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. – I’ll be fudging your grades.

* This won’t be on the test. – Nap time!

* Bring the text to class. – I don’t have a clue how to lecture–we’ll just kill time with group read-alongs.

* He’s not fully up to speed on that. – He’s got his head up his #*#.

* I don’t have the latest department guidelines. – I’ve got my head up my *#*.

* Let’s check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. – I’ve got my head up HIS #*#.

* Talk to the department secretary. – Piss off.

* Talk to me in my office after class. – Get out of my face.

* The tests will all be multiple-choice. – I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.

* Don’t come in late during my lecture. – I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

* Save your questions until the end. – See above.

* The final will be comprehensive. – I’ll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn’t fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

* Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. – This course is outside my specialty–I’ll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

* There are two TAs available to help you. – I can’t be bothered.

* This year I’ll be scaling the grades. – I just passed tenure review.

* Let’s break up into quiet discussion groups. – I have a hangover.

* Let’s have class outdoors today! – I had beans for lunch.

* You won’t be able to sell back the text to the bookstore. – My contract wasn’t picked up.

* Please note the last day to withdraw. – The midterm’s gonna suck.

* The answer to number 4 is “b,” and just skip number 17. – I only got around to making up the test last night.

* The second list is optional reading. – I have a rich fantasy life.

* I haven’t had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. – The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

* Well, it was on the syllabus. – I’ll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

* We’ll just skip the term paper this semester. – There wasn’t enough in the budget for a TA.

* Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. – See above.

* Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. – I’m so boring that no one would show up otherwise.

* Read chapters 5 through 10. – I’m not coming in at all next week.

* We’ll have to cover this chapter quickly. – I screwed up the lecture schedule.

* Let’s go over the exam. – Half of you failed.

* It was in the textbook. – I pulled it out of my #*#.

* Extra credit is available. – I need some #*#* work done.

Hope you enjoyed these!!!!!

BACK TO SCHOOL JOKES*

……… MY FRIEND SENT ME THESE. HOPE YOU LIKE EM!….
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Back to School
Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!”

——————————————————————————–

Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”

Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”

——————————————————————————–

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

——————————————————————————–

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

——————————————————————————–

Calling in Sick
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.

Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

This is the actual conversation of the telephone call…

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”

Kelly: “This is my mother.”