Quote of the Day…..4/13*

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I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Steve Martin

A touch of HUMOR……….1/31-)*

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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

Joke for you today………….1/30-)*

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. He picked it up and saw no one around that it might belong to. Since he himself liked tennis, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. After a few mnutes of jogging, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing and waited for the lights to change.

A young woman standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the woman sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”

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Fun Stuff for the Weekend…take a peek-)*

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Some Funny and Crazy facts :

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body that it could squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes long.

A cockroach can live up to nine days without it’s head before it starves to death.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

The flea can jump up to 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be equivalent to jumping the length of a entire football field.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

If you’re going out this weekend, try some of these facts on your friends!

CARTOON & JOKE of the Day…..12/24 -)*

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As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

“Well,” said the woman, “I guess I’d like to be rich.”
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

“And I wouldn’t mind being a young and beautiful princess.”
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

“Your third wish?” asked the Fairy Godmother. “Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?”
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, “I bet you are sorry you had me neutered.”

Cartoon & Joke of the Day…12/23-)*

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Christmas Presents

Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presented you would rather not have received:

1. Thanks a lot!
2. My word! What a gift.
3. Well, well, well …
4. If I hadn’t put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.
5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We’re always losing things around here.
6. It’s great; but I’m worried about the jealousy it may create.
7. Just my luck to get this, on the Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.
8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5’s Witness Protection programme.
9. Frankly, I don’t deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn’t have.

Joke of the Night….Sleep Tight…..12/21-)*

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. “This year,” she says, “I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me.” The daughter nods in agreement. “And I think this fur coat would be perfect too.”

The daughter protests, “But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this.”

“Don’t worry honey,” says the mother, “your father won’t get the bill for a couple of weeks.”

Cute Blonde joke from my friend:

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.

“I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

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Resimay from Bryan…you wanna see this!

tTo  hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt t o apply for the job what I  saw in the paper.

I  can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a  counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I  am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond t o me  well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my  spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru  my persinalety.

My  salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat  you think that I am werth,

I can s tart emeditely.   Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly  Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short –  below is a pickture of me. y
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Employer’s response:

Dear Bryan,

It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check.
See you Monday.

THANKS LINDA….WOW!