Weekend humor…be sure to smile……..

An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he’d been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. “How do you like this place?” she asked him. “It’s not bad,” he replied, “except they won’t let me fart.”

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A man goes up to heaven and says, “Hey, God. What’s a million years like for you?” And God says, “Oh, you know, like maybe a second.” So the man says, “Oh, wow. Well, then, how about this: What’s a million dollars worth to you?” And God says, “Oh, like, you know, about a penny.” So the man says, “Oh, wow. Well, in that case, can I have a million dollars?” And God says, “Sure, in a second.”

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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, God! Help me!”

As the atheist spun helplessly through the air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me?”

“Give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!”

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Really Funny SEX jokes ………..come see -)*

SECOND OPINION JOKE
A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, “and you are not any good in bed either” as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.

He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says “what took you so long to answer the phone”? She says, “I was in bed”. “In bed this late in the day, doing what”?

“I was getting a second opinion” she replied

A little boy asked his mother:
– Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
– Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party…, you are lucky that you don’t bark.

One woman stops a taxi.
– To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
– You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
– Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
– Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

One man calls emergency:
– Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
– It is OK, I found another one.

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
– Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
– You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
– Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
– Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.