Weekend humor…be sure to smile……..

An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he’d been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. “How do you like this place?” she asked him. “It’s not bad,” he replied, “except they won’t let me fart.”

****

A man goes up to heaven and says, “Hey, God. What’s a million years like for you?” And God says, “Oh, you know, like maybe a second.” So the man says, “Oh, wow. Well, then, how about this: What’s a million dollars worth to you?” And God says, “Oh, like, you know, about a penny.” So the man says, “Oh, wow. Well, in that case, can I have a million dollars?” And God says, “Sure, in a second.”

****

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, God! Help me!”

As the atheist spun helplessly through the air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me?”

“Give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!”

Will you smile?

An elderly couple was sitting together in a nursing home. Bored, the woman said to the man, “Say, I bet I can guess your age.” The man replied, “I’d like to see that.” She said, “Okay, then, but before I can guess, you’ll have to take your clothes off.” Curious, he stood up and took off his clothes. Then she said, “Now turn around a few times.” He shrugged and turned around a few times. She watched carefully, and then said, “You’re 87.” He was astonished. “That’s amazing! How did you know?” She said “You told me yesterday.”

May you have a BIG smile on that face and may you have a week that brings you many smiles.

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

I could not resist passing this one on. A friend sent it to me via email. lol Thanks Linda.

Getting Old…..

I don’t know about you all, but I am getting SO TIRED of all the nasty attitudes people are showing because of this election. One of my friends shared these with me. I needed to laugh. Hope if you are in the same place..these help!

…….VOTE…….

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered’?
And that, my friend, is the definition of ‘OLD’!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied: ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter
than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s
license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had
two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast
relief.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they
are!

Always REMEMBER this:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; You grow old because you stop
laughing…

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still
fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

DEMENTIA QUIZ ….LAUGH with DORAZ*

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DEMENTIA QUIZ

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON’T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE….?
(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE…..
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??
YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100…

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU’LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT… MAYBE…

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY’S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???

2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN’T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT…
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL.

LAUGH with DORAZ*

POP GOES LUISA*

All around the city streets
Luisa chased the bargains;
The market thought ’twas all in fun,
But, NOT for Luisa.

She pushed and shoved and found her way
A sale on every corner
That’s the way her money goes,
Go faster now …Luisa.

Her husband tried to stop her flight
But all her got was fury
That’s the way the story goes
NO MORE husband for poor Luisa.

Song to the melody of “Pop Goes the Weasel”

Sorry if this is weird,
It just POPPED into my head, and I had to post it.

SEASONED CITIZENS…LAUGH with DORAZ*


*
*
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT VICTORIA SECRET STORES AND THEIR SELECTIONS? DO YOU SHOP THERE?*
*
*

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
‘If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.’

CONTRIBUTED by:KRISTI KEYPERS

TECHNOLOGY…LAUGH with DORAZ*

This will explain why “Old-timers” have so much trouble with computers.

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Thanks KRISTI KEYPERS