Wisdom from Maxine*

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,

nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying

about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine

what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving

because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on

the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo

in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub

full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,

so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes

seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring

me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a

needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug

me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to

Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant

death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a

dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the

Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the

fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you

to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors

ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s

beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,

has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity

read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because

I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

Have fun. Live. Laugh. Love.

Smile often,

Luisa Doraz

Hello Friends. Hope You’re Feeling Good!….cute image*

 

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.””Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

*****

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

*****

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Have fun~

Fun VIDEO for the WEEKEND celebrations*

This video is one that is sure to make you smile and sure to make you relate to your dating days. lol I hope you are all planning a weekend full of family time. Friends can make the days a lot happier also! What ever you plan to do…BELIEVE and life will not look so bad. I plan on having family over on Sunday for Easter. I am going to be cooking up spinach ravioli, veggies of some type, salad,, a fish dish, and a beef dish. A little bit for all to enjoy. My mom will surprise us with the dessert. My younger brother is surprising us with the yummy bread. I do believe I see more gym time in my future, lol

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz