An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he’d been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. “How do you like this place?” she asked him. “It’s not bad,” he replied, “except they won’t let me fart.”
****
A man goes up to heaven and says, “Hey, God. What’s a million years like for you?” And God says, “Oh, you know, like maybe a second.” So the man says, “Oh, wow. Well, then, how about this: What’s a million dollars worth to you?” And God says, “Oh, like, you know, about a penny.” So the man says, “Oh, wow. Well, in that case, can I have a million dollars?” And God says, “Sure, in a second.”
****
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, God! Help me!”
As the atheist spun helplessly through the air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me?”
“Give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!”
Filed under: Life | Tagged: believe in yourself, dorazsays, humor, jokes, laughter, laughter is the best medicine, Mental Health, relation tecxhniques, religious jokes, senior jokes, sex jokes, smiles, stressful days, weekend hummor, writyins | 9 Comments »
Believe in Yourself 