SMILE for the Day……….3/5 *(*

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He said to me . …. …… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart!

Thought for the Day…………..3/3

Four things you can’t recover:

The stone……..after the throw.

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The word……..after it’s said.

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The occasion……..after it’s missed.

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The time………after it’s gone.

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Just Thought I’d Ask You This Question……….3/3 *)*

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If you could be a “BUG” on a wall, where would you want to be?

Just Thought I’d Ask You This Question………. *)*

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Do you speak any foreign languages?

Something to Smile Over……….*)*

A list of the worst possible things to hear before, during, or after a rectal exam.

1. Somebody’s been working out.
2. Before we start I should tell you, I have enormous hands.
3. God, my fingers feel like icicles.
4. Oh man, it’s a little late now, but I’m out of clean gloves. Don’t worry, the guy before you was clean as a whistle.
5. Was I wearing my ring before the exam?
6. Ooo … me likey!
7. Oh crap, I broke a nail.
8. Look man, no hands!
9. Dude, you’re like the world’s biggest ventriloquist’s dummy right now.
10. Hey man, I don’t know what it was and I know this is wrong but… what are you doing after this? I can move some appointments around and- hey! Where are you going? Don’t you walk away from me! We were magical! I know where you live!
11. Wow, that’s the smoothest whatever-the-hell-that-is I’ve ever felt.
12. I don’t want you to panic or anything… but I’m stuck.
13. Yahtzee!
14. You know I’m not a real doctor, right?

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Just Thought I’d Ask You This Question……….2/27*

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Is there a type of food will you ABSOLUTELY NOT EAT?

Smile of the Day……….2/26 *(*

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.

‘Wow!………………….. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed..

‘Good,’ she replied. …………..’Get your own fu*king blanket.’

After a moment of silence, …………………..he farted.

The End

Thanks Kristi!

Just Thought I’d Asl You This Question……….2/25 *(*

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How do you handle telemarketers??

Whatever Works For You…….. *)*

I just had a night out with my friends, and BOY..did I find out some stuff I was better off NOT knowing! The more “spirits” they had, the more “spirited” the evening became! We were talking about lots of things, like the new President, the economy, the housing market, and whether or not our significant others wore underwear! You know, all that “normal” stuff we girls talk about! Well, a couple of my girlfriends told EVERYONE who would listen, “My husband doesn’t wear any underwear, ever!” Now, at first, I just looked at them with my mouth open, then I got to thinking. Some underwear can be a pain in the butt, literally! I hate underwear that creeps up…personally! It does take a while to finally find some you like, only to have them discontinued! Underwear is an item I would NOT want to buy used on EBay! So, I got to thinking, maybe not wearing any underwear might be alright. *)* So, what I decided was~~~~~~~~~~I’LL NEVER TELL! *)*

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Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

A GUIDE for the SINGLE MAN……….*(*

This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors…

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1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.

7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

18. SALT: It never spoils.

19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.

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