Wisdom from Maxine*

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,

nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying

about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine

what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving

because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on

the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo

in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub

full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,

so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes

seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring

me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a

needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug

me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to

Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant

death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a

dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the

Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the

fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you

to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors

ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s

beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,

has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity

read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because

I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

Have fun. Live. Laugh. Love.

Smile often,

Luisa Doraz

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Men….

Maxine Cartoons….PG-13*

Have a fun Friday!

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

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I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it’s the only time he hears someone tell him, “Wow, that’s a big one!”

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What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

BURNING FOOD…LAUGH with DORAZ*

IF IT FITS IN THE TOASTER…I CAN COOK IT…Maxine

One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted.

“I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box.

“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”

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WHAT HAVE YOU BURNT LATELY?????

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THE ULTIMATE BUMPER STICKER…LAUGH with DORAZ*

DO YOU KNOW MANY PEOPLE WHO TEXT WHILE DRIVING?

Alzheimer’s Color Test…LAUGH with DORAZ*

More difficult than you might think!

Color Test
These are the things we’re supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain and try to slow up Alzheimer’s Disease. It took me 2 times before I could finally tell this brain of mine to concentrate. A great test, do it until you get 100%!
Bet you can’t get 100% on the first try! But I’ m rootin’ for ya…
This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors! Have fun!
It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%.. Follow the directions!
It’s harder than it seems, as it should be!
A brain waker-upper for today!

CLICK HERE FOR THE FUN TEST….GET READY

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CONTRIBUTED by my friend…..:KRISTI KEYPERS

MAXINE on WRINKLES…LAUGH with DORAZ*

A man goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. “This is $200,” she says.

“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he. “This one is $350.”

“I want it even more sheer than that.”

“This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.”

“I’ll take it!”

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.”

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. “So, how do you like it?” she asks.

“Damn, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the damn thing.”
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HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU NOTICE A NEW WRINKLE?
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MAXINE on LIFE…LAUGH with DORAZ*

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn’t..
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4… I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5… Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
7.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
8. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes..
9. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
10.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

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WHAT SOUNDS DO YOU MAKE THAT ARE “STRANGE” TO OTHERS?
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Thanks to KRISTI KEYPERS again!

MAXINE WISDOM…LAUGH with DORAZ*

*Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
*A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
*The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
*Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
*I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

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WHERE IS A FAVORITE PLACE YOU LIKE TO ESCAPE?
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Thanks to KRISTI KEYPERS again!

A Thanksgiving Poem I Wrote*

I wrote this poem last year, but I wanted to post it again in time for the holidays Have fun reading it! Can you relate?

WHAT’S A FUNNY HOLIDAY STORY YOU FEEL LIKE SHARING?

FAMILY TIMES

It’s great to have family!

They’re amusing as Hell!

When we all get together,

all we do is YELL, YELL, YELL!

I am especially amused,

When the grandparents say,

” One day I’ll be dead and you’ll

be sorry you acted this way!”

Then the parents chime in

and say, “Shut up, that’s not nice!.”

I am ready to say something,

but I just ” stop ” and think twice!

Why bother, I figure

It all sounds the same,

I guess we have anxiety

and stress to blame!

But when the pleasant event is

all said and done,

We give each other hugs good-bye,

and say “THIS WAS FUN!”

You figure it out!

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz