Really Funny SEX jokes ………..come see -)*

SECOND OPINION JOKE
A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, “and you are not any good in bed either” as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.

He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says “what took you so long to answer the phone”? She says, “I was in bed”. “In bed this late in the day, doing what”?

“I was getting a second opinion” she replied

A little boy asked his mother:
– Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
– Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party…, you are lucky that you don’t bark.

One woman stops a taxi.
– To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
– You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
– Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
– Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

One man calls emergency:
– Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
– It is OK, I found another one.

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
– Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
– You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
– Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
– Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

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Don’t stress…..not worth it, laugh instead!

The Secret Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….

A Women’s Poem about her man!….LOL

He didn’t like my casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard….
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He did not like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around
and smacked the s**t out of him…
Like his mother used to do.

JOKE….The Church Organist, Miss Beatrice…….

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?

I was walking through the Park one day and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t ever  had the flu since I found this!’

Here’s a JOKE you haven’t heard!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer

sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous

as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and

three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing

exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving

slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…

Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer,

trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed

limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her

error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women

seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer

asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Resimay from Bryan…you wanna see this!

tTo  hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt t o apply for the job what I  saw in the paper.

I  can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a  counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I  am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond t o me  well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my  spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru  my persinalety.

My  salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat  you think that I am werth,

I can s tart emeditely.   Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly  Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short –  below is a pickture of me. y

Employer’s response:

Dear Bryan,

It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check.
See you Monday.

THANKS LINDA….WOW!

Men vs Women…Children!

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

Well, at on time this may have been more true than in today’s times. I believe I need to give credit where credit is due. A lot of men take their responsibilities very seriously when it comes to their children. I see them get very involved in their everyday stuff. Sometimes more so then the mother’s! I am also sure that there are families who have mom’s that can agree 100% with the above statement, right? Some dad’s are in la la land! Oh well, such is life! You gotta laugh. I believe most people mean well, they just have a weird way of showing it!

#*#*#*#*Ooops!

Mildred was very depressed when her husband died. She decided that she couldn’t go on in life without him and that she wanted to join him in heaven. Mildred wanted to shoot herself in the heart, guaranteeing death.

But she was afraid she might miss her heart and wind up a vegetable so she called the doctor for some information. “Doctor, where is the heart located?” asked Mildred.

The doctor answered, “Just below the left breast.”

A few hours later Mildred was emitted into emergancy with a gunshot wound to her knee!

Joke…Blondes at Sea

Burial at Sea.

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles
says, ‘Do you thi nk we’re out far enough, Barbie?’ Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, ‘nope, not yet Bubbles’.
So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.
‘So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says,

‘OK, it’s finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.’

Thanks to Kristi!

Joke…Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

‘My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.’

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

‘My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.’

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

‘My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.’

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, ‘Will you knock it off, I’m trying to poop!’

Brighten someone’s day 🙂

Thanks Kristi!