Joke of the Day…. Reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man-)*

Reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man

* Men can’t pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by being seen with all those elves
* Men don’t answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
* Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
* Having to do the “Ho-Ho-Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
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The Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life……..Hilarious-)*:

1. The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”

2. The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”

3. The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”

4. The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”

5. The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”

6. The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”

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Beary Funny………..-)*

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The holidays are around the corner. You know what that means? Lots and lots of happy people, but even more ANGRY people. I just love to see the holidays bring out the very best in people, but all is takes is one person who is ANGRY to throw that feeling away! So, this year I decided something. I am not going to say ANYTHING to angry people. I am just going to let them be angry. I am going to just smile and go the other way. I have to understand, even more so this year, that people are worried .Some people do stupid things when they are worried.So, if I see someone walking around like this bear, with that, “Look to kill” .in their eyes………. I’M OUT OF THERE!

A Christian Deed

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

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Joke of the Day……..-)*

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CAR ACCIDENT JOKE
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man,that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Sleep tight Jokes for you tonight…………-)

Night Night…. Sleep Tight……..

Have lot’s of nice dreams……

Tomorrow will be a GREAT day!

Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
He kept popping out of bed all night!

Did you hear about the man who slept under an old tractor?
He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.

Did you hear about the parents who called their baby ‘Caffeine?’
It kept them awake all night!

Do elephants snore?
Only when they’re asleep.

****
Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. “What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I, uh,” she stammered. “I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”

“I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.”

“That’s not bad,” she replied. “How much for all night?”

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Don’t stress…..not worth it, laugh instead!

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The Secret Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….

JOKE….The Church Organist, Miss Beatrice…….

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?

I was walking through the Park one day and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t ever  had the flu since I found this!’
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Laugh….National symbol changed by government……a CONDOM????????

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Cat lovers delight…..

“I’ve learned….That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

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# What is a cat’s favourite movie? “The Sound of Mewsic.”
# What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
# Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can’t? Your lap.
# Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
# What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
# What is a cat’s favourite car? The Catillac.
# What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
# Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
# What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
# Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
# Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he’s always spotted.

Political Humor….looking for work toys…funny!

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A Japanese doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A British doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

A Connetticut doctor, not to be outdone said, ‘You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Connetticut , put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.

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