MAXINE CARTOON *

Thanks to Pam S.

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Just Thought I’d Ask You This Question?

Who’s STUNT DOUBLE would you want to be and why???

Stunt Double. Stunt men and women defeat the odds while they leaping off buildings, cruising through fires and conquering car crashes. The thrill and the danger create a high.

The pros: They get the reputation of surviving some of the most death-defying acts humanly possible.
The cons: Stunts don’t always get the recognition they deserve in the public eye.

A GUIDE for the SINGLE MAN……….*(*

This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors…

1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.

7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

18. SALT: It never spoils.

19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.

I Got You Covered….Don’t Move-)*

Thanks Kristi!

Too Funny!……laughwithdoraz…..aka…dorazsays

Don’t forget to check out my other blog. It is dedicated to laughter! No serious stuff, promise! Happy 2009! Keep Smiling!

Believe in Yourself;

Luisa Doraz

Proof That The World Is Nuts………….

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England – but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only ‘in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don’t have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Kristi, you out did yourself on this one!

Joke of the Night…. For a Quick Laugh-)**

Answered Prayers

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to

express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to

the

podium.

She said, “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had

a

terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The

pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could

help

him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation

as

they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and

every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors

performed

a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece

together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire

around it to

hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed

uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on

Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom

is

out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his

scrotum

should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively

asked if  anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

Lot’s more Jokes …….AND amazing fruit objects……you’ll like these!

>

Thanks to my good friend Deb for sharing these!

Rejected card greetings………

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.”

“You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me…
— Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you…
— It’s almost like you’re here.”

While we’re here, we should dance…message of the day

Today is International Disturbed People’s Day

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend… just as I’ve done.

I don’t care if you lick windows,

take the special bus

or occasionally pee on yourself..

Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a fullminute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Today’s Message of the Day is:

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance.

Thanks to my good friend Deb for this one!

Political Humor….looking for work toys…funny!

A Japanese doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A British doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

A Connetticut doctor, not to be outdone said, ‘You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Connetticut , put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.