Wisdom from Maxine*

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,

nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying

about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine

what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving

because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on

the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo

in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub

full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,

so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes

seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring

me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a

needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug

me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to

Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant

death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a

dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the

Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the

fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you

to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors

ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s

beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,

has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity

read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because

I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

Have fun. Live. Laugh. Love.

Smile often,

Luisa Doraz

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14 Responses

  1. True Doraz probably people have become touchy about every thing and fear that something is there in every thing –Fortunately we havent reached that stage as yet —

  2. Hmm…glad I didn’t read your emails…I’d have to roll around in one of those large bubbles….have a great week and remember to always carry a bottle of hand sanitizer with you. 🙂

  3. hello doraz its dennis the vizsla dog hay mama and dada dont go to the mooveez ennymore eether but dada sez it is becuz mama just falls asleep their and she can do that at home for free!!! ha ha ok bye

  4. Ha!!! Love the Cross your waist bra in the cartoon.

  5. At least you don’t worry about things.

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