Lots of Jokes

HERE”S SOME OF MY FAVORITES…ENJOY…SMILE…LAUGH…

FOR THE JOKE OF THE DAY

GO TO LAUGH WITH DORAZ

BE SURE TO CHECK THIS OUT….HILARIOUS

http://beverlys.net/LJ/BuggingYou.swf

Secret Dietary Tips

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
“Well,” answered the man, “I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically.”
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, “do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?”
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, “what is the difference?”
The clerk responds, “Well when it’s sliced, it gets harder faster.”
To which the man responded, “How come everyone knew about this but me?”

~~~~~~~~~~

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years.

One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.

He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

They yell back, “We’re not screwing!” A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.

Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”

They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

A man is boasting to his buddies that he is taking his wife to Rome for their 40th wedding anniversary.

‘What will you do for your 50th?’ one of them asks.

‘I’ll go and get her.’

The judge glowered at the haggard robber and said, ‘Then you admit breaking into the same dress shop on four successive nights?’ ‘Yes, your honor.’ ‘And why was that?’ ‘Because my wife wanted a dress.’ The judge consulted his records. ‘But it says here you broke in four nights in a row!’ ‘Yes, sir. She made me exchange it three times.’

A lady’s sick of her husband’s drinking, so she decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and when her husband walks in from being out all night, she jumps out from behind the sofa and screams. He says, ‘You don’t scare me. I’m married to your sister.’

CLEVER WORDING JOKE
A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Marta said, “My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.” The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’”

Sarita raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.” “That’s good, too,” said the teacher, “but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn’t damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said proudly, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.”

More Funny Jokes….

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word ’service’.

Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City & County Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ’service’ meant. But then, I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to ’service’ a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those ’service’ agencies are doing to us.

Thanks Kristi…Funny!

A LOVE POEM ……………

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, ‘THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.’

YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YO’ MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’

I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID,

MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Brings a tear to yo eye, don’t it?
…………..

Back to School JOKES…Only in America….

Only in America ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ! ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
Only in America …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ….
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the laughter . We all need to smile every once in a while.

Thanks to Pam for this. I love it!

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
……………………………………………………………………….

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
“Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. ‘Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little #*#*is adorable!”
…………………………………………………………………………

“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”
“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.
“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”
…………………………………………………………………………………..
A small boy is sent to bed by his mother…
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a glass of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
[Five minutes later]
“Mommm…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”
…………………………………………………………………………………………

I don’t exercise at all.
If God had wanted me to touch my toes
He would have put them up higher on my body.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.

Desperation is a fellow shaving before stepping the scales.

*****************

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Doris.

Doris who?

Doris locked, that’s why I had to knock!
*****
Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Madarn.

Madarn who?

Madarn foot is caught in the door
*****

A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one.

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More JOKES to laugh for…

. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

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WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART:
1. Inside a crowded Lift.
2. Inside a public library.
3. On a crowded train.
4. While giving a speech.
5. In Church.
6. While on a date.
7. In a packed lecture theatre.
8. In your office.
9. At a cinema.
10. In a walk-in freezer – it’ll linger a while
11. In a ticket line.
13. On an airplane.
14. During confession
15. In the bed, while feeling frisky.
16. In bed when you’re feeling frisky
17. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation

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Joke
Posted on Friday, September 12, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
When to fart:

1. Bosses office as you are about to leave. – best to make sure it’s silent but violent.
2. In a bathroom.
3. In the cashiers line – it’s bound to speed things up.
4. The empty elevator before you get off.
5. Beside an occupied dressing room – no doubt it’ll quickly become unnocupied.
6. Your co-workers cubicle at the office.
7. When deep sea diving.
8. Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested.
9. In your car if you’ve been carjacked.
10. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.
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Joke
Posted on Thursday, September 11, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A very snobby woman is sitting in a restaurant, having just finished her clam chowder. As she leans over to reach into her purse for her wallet to pay the waiter, she releases a loud fart that makes everyone turn towards her table. Hoping to blame the flatulent blast on the waiter, she sits up with an air of indignation on her face and shouts: “Stop it!” To which the smart waiter replies, “Of course madam, which way did it go?”

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Jokes
Posted on Thursday, September 11, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

“Funny Joke of the Day”…Men
Posted on Thursday, September 11, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
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“Funny Joke” of the Day…Plato….
Posted on Thursday, September 11, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, “Hey, get that dog out of here… we don’t allow dogs in here.”
Wait a minute, the guy says, “This is no ordinary dog ! This is ‘Plato’ the talking dog !”
“Yeah, sure” says the bartender.
I’ll prove it to you,” says the guy. “Plato… what’s on top of a building?”
“ROOF !” says the dog.
“Look,” says the bartender, “just how dumb do you think I am?”
“Wait a minute,” says the guy. “Plato, how does sandpaper feel?”
“RUFF !” says the dog.
“Do I have ’stupid’ tattooed across my forehead or something,” says the bartender. “Now get that dog out of here! “
“Wait.. I’m not through”, says the guy. “Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“RUTH !” says the dog.
“That does it !! ” says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, “Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?”

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Joke ….Just Laugh!
Posted on Monday, September 8, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
“I know that smart-alec Tex,” said the first. “He’s going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.”
“Not Tex,” said the second. “He’ll always be just a good ol’ boy. When he walks in, I’m sure all he’ll say is hello.”
“I know Tex better than any of you,” said the third. “He’s so smart, he’ll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!”
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, “Audi, partners!”
——————————————————————–
Joke
Posted on Monday, September 8, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Why did Megan bring two pairs of pants to the golfing range?
Because she was planning on getting a “hole in one.”
Thanks Megan!

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Laugh?..Just do it……
Posted on Sunday, September 7, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

—————————————————————-
Laugh…ready?….set?….go…..
Posted on Sunday, September 7, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’
Thanks Pam!

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Gonna laugh, gonna cry, gonna ?????….more….
Posted on Saturday, September 6, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks.
‘115,’ she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 (I wish).
The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’
‘5 foot 8,’ she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ 5′.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
‘Of course it’s high!’ she screams,
‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!’
—————————————————————–
How come when you mix water
And flour together
you get glue?..
And then you add eggs
And sugar…
And you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That’s what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT

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What?…another funny joke…men!
Posted on Saturday, September 6, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

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Laugh till you cry…funny joke
Posted on Saturday, September 6, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
Thanks Pam!
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Another Funny Joke…Laugh till you cry!
Posted on Friday, September 5, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’

He addressed the man,

‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
Thanks to my friend Pam!

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Funny Jokes….Laugh till you cry!
Posted on Friday, September 5, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!

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WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’
Thanks Pam, too funny.
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Another Funny Joke for Friday…..
Posted on Friday, September 5, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is
that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

The assistant replies, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for
$25.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $25.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $25.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $25.95, and Divorced Barbie for $495.00″

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

“That’s obvious,” the assistant says, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s
house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

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Friday Humor…….
Posted on Friday, September 5, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
This was sent to me by my good friend, Pam. Thanks!

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“You’re single aren’t you?”….a funny Friday joke
Posted on Friday, September 5, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, “Single, are you?”

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, “How did you guess?”

He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”

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Funny jokes for Friday…….
Posted on Friday, September 5, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

They took a survey of 10,000 women in Washington DC, and asked “Would you
have sex with Bill Clinton?”
86% said “Never again”.

Q: Why did McCauley Culkin get married?
A: He was tired of being home alone.

,————————————————————
Jokes and your health…..
Posted on Wednesday, September 3, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
Nowadays there’s a pill for everything — to keep your nose from running, to keep you regular, to keep your heart beating, to keep your hair from falling out, to improve your muscle tone… Why, thanks to advances in medical science, every day people are dying who never looked better.

It’s an awful thing to grow old alone. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in six years

If exercise is so good for you, why do athletes have to retire by age 35?

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“Joke…That Dirty Old Man!”
Posted on Wednesday, September 3, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A 50 year old woman decides to give herself a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking,
But how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl
The very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street.
She goes up to the c ounter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
Burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 81 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
Your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am
I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could
youtell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’
‘I promise I won’t,’ she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’
Kristi….do you know who this person is??? Too funny, Thanks…..

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More Back to School Jokes for ya…..
Posted on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Teacher: Why do you have so much trouble answering my questions?
Student: If it was easy for me, I wouldn’t be in school!

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Student: 12! January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …

Teacher: Johnny, which month has 28 days?
Student: Every month!
**********
Jill,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?”

“Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like I really don’t like think like that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.”

“It’s English class, isn’t it?” replied the smiling teacher.
**********
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Back to School Jokes for ya…..
Posted on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Aardvark
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who?
Is there an owl in here?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Andy Green.
Andy Green, who?
Andy Green grass grows all around, all around.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Dwane.
Dwane who?
Dwane the bathtub — I’m dwowning!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old man who can’t reach the doorbell

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Let us
Let us who?
Let us in and you will find out

Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to suck your blood!!

Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Gorilla
Gorilla Who?
Gorilla me a hamburger, I’m hungry.

Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Cow-go
Cow-go Who?
No, Cow go MOO!!!

Back to School knock knock jokes….
Posted on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luck.
Luck who?
Luck through the key hole and you’ll find out.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Oliver.
Oliver who?
Oliver across the road from you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anita!
Anita who?
Anita to borrow a pencil!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I’m fine, Hawaii you?

More Funny Jokes for ya……
Posted on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
______________
In Alaska’s National Forests, a tour guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory.

“Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic,” he explained.

To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence.

“Also,” he added, “be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings.”

One tourist asked, “How do you identify bear droppings?”

“Oh that’s easy,” the guide explained, “they’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

Jokes …in pun
Posted on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much–and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

More Jokes about Women……
Posted on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Joke….
Posted on Monday, September 1, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at
the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men…. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the #*#* out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know.

Thanks to Kristi for this joke!

Jokes……
Posted on Monday, September 1, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
The three stages of sex for a man:
1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
They fight tooth and nail!

“Doctor, I believe I have amnesia.”
“Well, go on home and try to forget about it!”

A patient was complaining to his nurse, “I hate this place. They treat us like dogs.”
The nurse replied, “That’s not true. Now, roll over!”

Funny words of wisdom……
Posted on Monday, September 1, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip. You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you’ll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress..

6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Something to think about, huh?????

Funny Jokes about women…..
Posted on Monday, September 1, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ‘ESTROGEN ISSUES’

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You ‘re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: ‘How’s my driving-call 1- 800-’.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space.’
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Thanks to my good friend Kristi, again! Where does she get these?????

Jokes for Women….
Posted on Sunday, August 31, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Thanks to my friend, Kristi for sharing these!

»

Words of Wisdom….”Smile”
Posted on Sunday, August 31, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
***************
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
***************
.’Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia ‘(Charles Schultz)
————————————————————
Joke about Money…..
Posted on Sunday, August 31, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering…

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find:-)

————————————————————-
More Jokes for understanding women…..
Posted on Sunday, August 31, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
Yes
REALLY MEANS
No

No
REALLY MEANS
No

Maybe
REALLY MEANS
No

I heard a noise
REALLY MEANS
I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?
REALLY MEANS
I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?
REALLY MEANS
I did something you’re not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute.
REALLY MEANS
Be patient I’ll be a while.

Am I a little fat?
REALLY MEANS
Tell me I’m beautiful.

I’m sorry.
REALLY MEANS
You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?
REALLY MEANS
It’s easy to fix, so get used to it.

Was that the baby?
REALLY MEANS
Why don’t you wake up and deal with the baby.

I’m not yelling!
REALLY MEANS
Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Jokes for understanding women…
Posted on Sunday, August 31, 2008 by Doraz | Edit
We need
REALLY MEANS
I want

You want
REALLY MEANS
You need

It’s your decision
REALLY MEANS
The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk
REALLY MEANS
I need to complain

Do what you want
REALLY MEANS
You’ll pay for this later.

You’re … so manly
REALLY MEANS
You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Sure… go ahead
REALLY MEANS
I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset
REALLY MEANS
Of course I’m upset, you moron!

Be romantic, turn out the lights.
REALLY MEANS
I’m Embarrassed

This kitchen is so inconvenient
REALLY MEANS
I want a new house.

You have to learn to communicate.
REALLY MEANS
Just agree with me.

I’m sorry.
REALLY MEANS
You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?
REALLY MEANS
It’s easy to fix, so get used to it.

Was that the baby?
REALLY MEANS
Why don’t you wake up and deal with the baby.

I’m not yelling!
REALLY MEANS
Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

——————————————————————
Jokes for Men….
Posted on Sunday, August 31, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?

What’s the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off of his head.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a role of toilet paper? We don’t know, it’s never been done.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
———————————————————–
Jokes for Men….
Posted on Saturday, August 30, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds “Wife Wanted”.

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: “You can have mine.”

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are mostly handicapped
—————————————————————
Joke about Politics…..
Posted on Saturday, August 30, 2008 by Doraz | Edit

Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?”

Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”

Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”

Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of #*#*.”

A JOKE…….

He’s teaching her arithmetic,
He said it was his mission,
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice
And said now that’s addition,
And as he added smack by smack,
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly kissed him back,
And said now that’s subtraction,
Then he kissed her ‘n she kissed him,
Without an explanation,
And both together smiled and said.
That’s multiplication,
Then dad arrived upon the scene,
And made a quick decision,
He kicked the kid three blocks away,
And said that’s long division.

More Jokes to Laugh….

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

AND . . . (drum roll please?)

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
——————————————————————————–

Jokes for Women…

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs!”

Joke about Wishes……

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!”

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”

The man said, “OK, I’ll try to think of a really good wish.”

Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing,” know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four

Joke about Stupidity….

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, “Why did you make her so kind-hearted?”
The Lord responded, “So you could love her, my son.”
“Why did you make her so good-looking?”
“So you could love her, my son.”
“Why did you make her such a good cook?”
“So you could love her, my son.”

The man thought about this. Then he said, “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but … why did you make her so stupid?”

“So she could love you, my son.”

Jokes to Laugh……..

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else
…………………………………………………
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! … The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart’s desire.

He paused for a moment, and then said, “Well, honestly, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! … The husband turned 90!

Jokes…Health

“Dr Hunter,” complained the elderly patient, “when I get up in the morning I feel quite faint – and it lasts for up to an hour. What do you suggest?” “Hmmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully stroking his chin. “How about getting up an hour later?”
*****
“Yeah, Doc, what’s the news?” asked Sam when his doctor called with his test results. “I have some bad news and some really bad news,” said the doctor. “The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live.” “Oh my God,” gasped Fred as he dropped to his knees. “What could be worse news than that?” “I couldn’t get hold of you yesterday.”

Be Sure To Visit Healthtips 101……Thanks

How ambitious was Mrs Jones when it came to her offspring? Well, when a stranger inquired as to their ages, she replied, “The doctor’s in 3rd grade and the lawyer will be starting kindergarten in the fall.”
****
Grandchildren are God’s rewards to grandparents for not shooting their children.
****

The weekend awaits.Try planning a short day trip and relaxing in some new surroundings. Monday morning won’t look so bad if you de-stress. OK??
Believe in Yourself!
Doraz

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